I’m not sure how to begin writing this. Back in the day, I was a ladykiller. I was a huge flirt, but I had a pretty steady girlfriend and was always faithful, even if my friends sometimes suspected she wasn’t. She never gave me any indication, and I still talk to her every so often. We broke up when I entered the military; she was still in high school and it really wouldn’t have been fair to ask her to do the long distance thing. Anyway, I left and probably broke her heart a bit, even if we weren’t exactly the happiest couple before I left.
I had a few flings in the military. They were alright; I’ll never say anything worse than we were not compatible in the long run. Then in a whirlwind, I was almost married. Everything fell apart then. My ex said I should be marrying her (even if she would deny it today), and so did my best friend. She called me drunk, but drunk words are deep thoughts. Needless to say, I couldn’t be with anyone. Any way I’d turn, I’d be a bad guy to someone. I couldn’t do it. So I retreated into myself–no more dating for a while.
It was around this time I felt the tug of Ares and reluctantly became his devotee. I was still firmly in the angry stage of loss. Angry that I couldn’t figure out how to make everyone happy. No serenity prayer for me; I’m a genius with a slight god complex (yay ego), so I don’t do failure well.
By the time I hit my active unit, the only non-professional interaction I had with a woman was spending a drunken night of leave with my ex. I felt terrible, because I broke my “everyone is always sober” rule. We never spoke of it again and remain friends. I did get into a long-distance stint for about a month or two, but then I started doing combat ops and became even more emotionally distanced than I was from my previous misadventures. That put too great a strain on the relationship and we broke up. We only talk infrequently.
It was probably three years before I dated again, the nice Catholic girl mentioned in my very early posts. She was sweet, but in the end, we drifted too far apart. I’d say it was mostly her, but I can’t rule out pushing her away unknowingly, so I don’t want to say anything ill of her. I did when we split up, but I feel kind of crummy about that now. After all, being in a good relationship is half finding the right person, and half being the right person. I digress though.
I found her through an online dating site. I’m not a bar guy, and most of my friends are beyond school and don’t know any single ladies to set me up with. When I asked the girl out, it was only because I was pushed to. It was one of the most tangible divine nudges I’ve ever felt.
When it ended, I was pretty bitter. I put on a pretty good face, but I was a little annoyed at being pushed by who I assumed was Aphrodite into something she shod have known wouldn’t work. That’s not to say I ever trusted her much after the whole love triangle thing, but I jumped when told. Ever since we’ve had a tenuous relationship at best. I unfortunately live up to my nature as a Scorpio and have held a grudge against the goddess, even though it’s not in my best interest to be mean to a deity. Especially because certain oracles and more theophonic folks say she has nothing but the best intentions for me. So yeah, I’m a jerk. That’s why y’all have to suffer through my lame story.
I was a hopeless romantic at one time. I stopped acting like it though. I simply stopped showing my true face. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a blood-lusting, morbid guy. But at the behest of both my god and at the advice of friends, I’m conceding to the golden-haired one. I just can’t/don’t want to fight her anymore. I have given her offerings, but a god can’t care for your heart if you never give any of it up.
I want to apologize to you, Aphrodite. I’m sorry I retreat from your face, and I’m sorry I abused you. I’m sorry I’ve misused your grace. I’m sorry I’ve stung others in love without asking forgiveness. I’m sorry for my scorn of you. I’m sorry I covet your beauty and your gifts without offering to you in the funds of my heart. I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you. You have offered your comfort and I turned your hand away for violence and war. I have scorned your beauty and created only ugliness in its place. I turn myself over to you, goddess, to move me whichever way you will.